PSHHT! WHO NEEDS MANUALS!
by burgersANDscones
Summary: Based off of lollidictators manual fics. please R&R :  T for cursing.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! Lemonz2cookiez here! Who would've thought my next fic would one about the manuals? By the way, if the translation is off, blame google translate. I NO OWN! I wish I owned husky named Vodka. That would be badass. But anyway, ENJOY!

**~oO0Oo~**

It was a normal enough night. I was on the computer playing a very manly game… Okay… Hetalia dress-up… When a very loud voice filled my earbuds.

"_HELLO VISTOR! ARE YOU A HETALIA FAN? CLICK HERE!"_

I yelped and yanked out my earbuds. I sat there for a while, just staring at the brightly colored add.

My cursor hovered over the add for a few seconds. _It won't to just look… Will it? _Behind me my husky let out a pitiful howl.

Let the record show that the only other thing I clicked on that night was the logout button on my computer. Then I ate a salad and jogged on my treadmill for a half hour… Okay… I watched Grey's Anatomy re-runs and ate a pint of Cherry Garcia Ben & Jerry's. Then I joined my dog on my bed and fell into the clutches of drowsiness.

**~oO0Oo~**

I woke abruptly to the doorbell being rung. Repeatedly.

" Vodka! Get the door…" I mumbled sleepily. At that moment my 80 pound Siberian husky decided to lay across my chest, snoring. Very, very loudly.

"OKAY! I'M UP! GET OFF!" Was all I could manage to choke out before said husky leapt off of my chest, obviously very proud.

" Okay, I'm coming, youСын тигра зуб доллар." (Son of a bucktooth tiger)

I opened the door to the… scariest thing I think I've ever seen. A Tamaki Suoh look-alike.

"Can I help you?"

"Hello Princess. Are You Alexis Trynest?" OH. MY. GAWD. This guy must get just mobbed in the streets. He sounds like Vic Mognona!

"W-who wants to know?"

"Well, I do."

"Mmhmm…" I attempted to read the side of his van with bleary eyes. _Flying Mint Bunny Corp.? …The fuck?_

" Will you sign for this?"

" Huh? OH! Yeah, sure." I muttered as I jotted down my name on the contract-thingy.

'Tamaki' wheeled a rather human sized crate into my house, handed me a rather thick book, and took off toward his van. I sighed and glanced at the cover of the book. _No. NO! They aren't real! How could they…? _

On the cover of the book, in bold lettering sat the words ALFRED F. JONES: A USER GUIDE AND MANUAL.

I stood there in shock for a few moments until Vodka whimpered.

" You're right vodka. We should try to wake him up." And I knew how. _Hamburgers._

**~oO0Oo~**

About a half hour later, I sauntered in confidently holding the immense pile of burgers I had managed to cook. That was when a voice floated out of the crate.

" Whoa man, FOOD? I'm so there!"

I grimaced as bits of crate flew in all directions of the living room as he burst- yes _burst_- out of the crate. He then started shoving burgers down his throat. Vodka growled, voicing my discomfort.

"Водка, быть добрым."( Vodka, be kind) The growling ceased.

Alfred froze, burger in mouth. It would have been comical if it wasn't for the look of sheer terror.

" D-dude… Are you okay? Alfred?" I instantly became worried. He said nothing, he just stared at me. " M-Mr. Hero?"

" Oh yeah! I'm Fine! I just thought you were Russia for a minute!" He shuddered involuntarily. The goofy grin then returned to his face as he continued eating his massive amount if burgers "You wouldn't believe the trip over here! I was all… **Munch, Munch…** Me… **munch, munch… **Hero… **munch, munch** … Iggy… **munch, munch** … and I saved us all!"

" I'm sure you did…" I rolled my eyes. " Anyways, My name is Alexis. Alex or Lexi is fine too."

" Hey… Alex?"

" What is it, Al?"

" When I lived with other people, they made me do… things… Are you going to make me do things too?"

I looked into his eyes lightly swimming with tears. " Of course not." Was my simple answer. " Do you want to watch cartoons?"

" DUH!"

I placed the superman disk in the DVD player. Every time Superman struck a pose, so did Alfred. _This may not be so bad…_

**~oO0Oo~**

That night I was snuggled in bed. My dog curled around my feet. I was having a beautiful dream about flying until I was awoken by a light shaking.

" Alex… Psst, Alex!"

I rolled to face the source of the noise. " What is it Al?"

" I had a scary dream about ghosts eating you, s-so I decided that I- the Hero- should come and protect you from any ghosts. Can I sleep in here?"

I sighed and gestured for him to climb under the covers. He uttered a thank you and snuggled up to me immediately. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I was awoken by the incessant ringing of a doorbell.

**~oO0Oo~**

OOH! CLFFHANGER! Yeah I'm kind of writing this as I go along… I don't own the manuals. Lollidictator does. So see ya next chapter! I'm making a resolution to update every weekend. Wish me luck!

l2c


	2. Chapter 2

Holy crap. Please don't eat me! I'm sorry for not updating like I said I would! School just started, and I can't neglect my horse forever, right? But anyways, I'll stop talking now so you can read. **I OWN NOTHING!**

**oO0Oo**

"Держите коней! Я иду!" (Hold your horses! I'm coming!)

I swung the door wide, mustering up the darkest glare my half awake self could manage. There stood 'Tamaki' with a wide grin. Whoop-de-FREAKIN'-do.

"You again?"  
>"But of course, Princess. Will you sign for it?"<p>

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." I signed my name next to the 'X' yet again. He wheeled my new… um… 'friend'… inside. He then, like always, took off towards his van.

_May as well see who it is…_I looked down on the cover of the hefty manual._ No! It's way too early for this._

There, in my hands sat 'GILBERT BIELDSCMIDT: A USER GUIDE AND MANUAL'. I shuddered a little.

Almost as if on cue, Alfred stumbled down the stairs, bleary-eyed. He took a moment to register his surroundings. He then preceded to glomp me.

"ALEX! The ghosts didn't eat you!"

Reality set in when I realized that Al was wearing only his superman boxers. Cue immature fangirl nosebleed.

_Hey…where's…_

'Vodka? Vodka! Где, черт возьми? паршивый старье ..." (Where the hell are you? Mangy fleabag…)

He came trotting down the stairs, yipped, then curled up on the couch and fell asleep.

" Dude, I'm hungry! I'm gonna make breakfast cuz… I'M THE HERO!" He struck a heroic pose and bounded into the kitchen, leaving me to get Gilbert out of the crate. I flipped through the manual in my hands. _Steal Gilbird… Play piano…_

"Ни одна из них будет работать!" (None of these are going to work!)

The box began to shake. I pried open the crate to find a shaking albino. He looked at me.

"Wait… you're not Russia?"

"Not the last time I checked."

He stood up with a smirk.

"So, schöne Frau, whats your name?"

"Well, I'm-"

" Hey Alex! Guess what's for breakfast!"

"Um… burgers?"

" You're so freakin smart!" Alfred bolted back into the kitchen to finish breakfast.

Gilbert snaked his arm around my waist, and leaned really close.

" So, meine Frau", he whispered, dangerously close to my ear," Alexis... Beautiful. So what do you say, we leave this un-awesome fatass? I'll let you be one of the select few to see my awesome five meters."

A surprised blush crept across my face.

" N-no thanks! I-I'm gonna go help Al with… B-breakfast." I peeled myself out of his arms and near sprinted to the kitchen. Once there, I hid behind Al. " Rape…" I whispered, terrified.

He jumped back with mock surprise. "Whoa lady! I hope your talking about a strap-on!"

I rolled my eyes and glared at him maliciously " Hilarious." I seethed, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Alfred, not picking up on my very obvious sarcasm, he struck a hero pose. " Of course I am! Heroes are supposed to be that way!"

My mind strayed a little, to the unwelcome albino in my living room. Wait… Prussia + alone time… + TV with 1000 or so channels =…OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD! GROSSGROSSGROSSGROSS! I instantly reasoned that I should go in and stop him before he messed up my couch.

" GILBERT! IF YOU MESS UP MY COUCH, I SWEAR TO GOD-" I stormed into the living room, only to find it devoid of life. That, of course, worried me even more. That was when I heard a large crash from upstairs. Oh… Shit…

I practically sprinted upstairs to find the albino towering over my dog.

"Водка! Какого черта вы делали?" (Vodka! What the hell did you do?" I shouted.

Instead of answering me, my large canine looked at me pitifully.

"He ate Gilberd!" an enraged Prussia looked at me and glared.

I sighed. " So that's it? Alright." I turned to my dog "Хорошо. Коса из птицы тормозят это." (Alright. Spit out the retard's bird)

There was a noise like a cat yakking up a hairball. Vodka spat a small yellow fluff of feathers into my waiting hand. At first I feared that Gilbird wouldn't get up, but when he stood up, ruffled his feathers, and looked around, I relaxed.

" Gilbird! I guess you are pretty awesome for doing that for frau. Now how about I do something for you…?" he leaned to place his devious lips on my virginal ones. 'Cept I'm ninja. I moved to fast for him and turned around and left him with a smirk across his face, dog trotting faithfully behind me. I walked into the kitchen where Al was waiting with a platter of almost perfect burgers.

" You come for breakfast? I made you a special one!" He handed me a plate with a burger " It says your name in ketchup inside!"

I smiled. " That's what my mom used to do for me." He blushed a little.

"Alright! You all can stop panicking! The awesome Gilbert is here! ~Kesesesese!"

I rolled my eyes and bit into my 'special' burger, expecting to cringe from the taste, but…

"Hey Al, these aren't so bad!"

Gilbert scoffed. " Like hell they are! Course the awesome me was forgotten! If anything, wurst is better!"

" Then make your own!" I growled at him. It was still way too early for this. Both the boys looked at me like I was nuts. I just shrugged and bit into my burger. I took maybe took three more bites before standing up.

" I'm finished."

" You only took four bites!" Al pouted.

" You can have it." I almost whispered. I left the kitchen, leaving the two men dumbfounded.

I curled up on the couch, and soon after, my overlarge dog rested his head in my lap as we watched TV. I could feel two pairs of eyes watching me carefully from behind me. I was just about to yell at them for being overly distracting, when the phone rang. I picked up without looking at the caller ID. Big mistake.

"Hello…?"

"Like, OMIGOD! HEY! I, like, thought you wouldn't answer!" My older sister squealed in my ear, "Like, especially after what happened at that party! Hey sissy, I, like, totally need a favor!"

"What, Valerie?"

"Will you, like, set me up with one of those guy friends who has the hots for me?"

"Why this time?" I sighed.

"'Cuz I need to make that dick of a boyfriend of mine, like, toats jelly!"

I let out an annoyed puff of air, pushing my silvery blond bangs out of my face.

"Fine. Just wait a while, okay?" I clicked the phone off before she could, like, toats blow my ears off!

I turned to the two guys in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Anyone up for a date tonight?"

**~oO0Oo~**

Alfred stood in the doorway of my room.

"Are you _really _gonna make me do this?"

"I'll make you a deal. If you can spell colour right, you don't have to go."

"C-O-L-O-R?"

I sighed and shook my head.

"Lo siento, mi amigo. You're goin'."(I'm sorry, my friend)

He gave me the puppy dog look, followed by lots of 'NONONONONONONO!' from Alfred.

I sighed and put on shoes. And pants. Shut up! My house is a pants optional zone!

I hopped in the driver's seat next to Al.

" Is your sister at least hot?"

" I'll leave that judgment to you. I wouldn't know." I rolled my eyes. " We're here." I gestured towards my sister's hot pink house. (A/N I've seen one before. Not pretty. =A=')

Al just stared for a moment.

"It's… Pink…"

"My sisters a pink person. And a unicorn person. And she was head cheerleader throughout all four years of high school." I said with a slight sigh. " Well Al, have fun!" I waved once and pushed him out of the car, before speeding away quickly. He looked at my speeding car sadly.

**~oO0Oo~**

I went to pick up Alfred from my sister's house. I decided not to be my usual abrasive self. I unlocked the car door to let Alfred in.

He sat in the car, shuddered once, and then buckled his seatbelt.

" How'd it go?" My head naturally tilted to the side.

His face turned a slight pink.

"W-well, her over-jealous ex-boyfriend punched me in the face." He sighed a little. That's when I noticed a slight bruise on his cheek. "Your sister's crazy."

"Imagine growing up with her." I pulled out of the driveway.

**~oO0Oo~**

When we got home, I placed a package of frozen peas on Alfred's bruise, while Gilbert stood in the entryway to the kitchen sniggering.

Vodka gently laid his large head in Alfred's lap sympathetically. I shook my head slightly.

"Keep that on your cheek for a while, 'Kay?"

"Yes, Ma'am…"

I left the kitchen, passing Gilbert on the way out.

Once in the living room, I curled up on the couch for the second time that day, but this time I fell asleep.

(For future reference, all dreams will be in second person.)

"Mommy! Are we gonna be home yet? I'm hungry!" Valerie whined in the seat next to you.

"Vallie, be nice to mommy. She's trying as hard as she can." You scolded your big sis.

Your mother was always beautiful. Well, at least in your eyes. She turned around and her lilac eyes met your violet ones. She smiled and thanked you before…

"Mom!"

I gasped as I woke. Both Alfred and vodka were staring at me concernedly, while Gilbert was in the background playing with Gilbird, spouting random bouts of awesome. Vodka looked at me with a look that said this again?

"I'm going to bed." I muttered darkly, fully aware of the tears making their way down my face.

When I got to my room, I collapsed into a sobbing, shaking mass. God, I hate that dream…

**~oO0Oo~**

GAH! I'M SO FARKING SORRY!

You see what I did there, you know, with the second person standpoint? Pretty awesome, huh! You have no idea how fun it was to write Valerie's speech pattern.

Love ya!

l2c


	3. Chapter 3

HEY PEEPS! How're y'all doin' tonight? Okay, I'll stop now =A='. So I need your guys's help. Who'll come to Lexis next chapter? Review and you get to omnomnom on a cookie. **Gets hit by flying shoe **Okay, I'll shut up now.

**~oO0Oo~**

The next morning I was awakened by the incessant doorbell I had grown to hate.

I stumbled down the stairs, glaring at the albino who had sprawled across my couch, surprisingly with my dog.

I looked through the peephole. I'll give you three tries to guess who it was. I inched the door open and sighed.

"Кто он сейчас?"

"Pardon?"

"Sorry… Who is it now?"

The asshole just winked and gently pressed the manual into my hands.

"Good luck, princess." He rolled the giant crate into the living room, before briskly leaving.

"мудак…" (Asshole…)

I checked the manual and suppressed a grin. _Oh, yes_. In front of me sat 'ARTHUR KIRKLAND, A USER GUIDE AND MANUAL'

"Oh, Alfred! I have a present for you!" I almost sang.

"What?" He bounded down the stairs and latched onto my back.

I turned to his smiling face with a wicked grin and said one word.

"Iggy." He gave a collective gasp as his head snapped to the crate. Almost immediately he leapt on the box and started shaking it.

"IGGY! IGGYIGGYIGGYIGGY! IGGY!"

"Turn it down, wanker! Shut your bloody trap!" A voice shouted from inside the box. "I'm trying to sleep!"

I watched intently as the box exploded, spraying my living room with shrapnel. Alfred cheered as I flinched. Gilbert waltzed up behind me and touched my shoulder, making me jump.

"Great. Him too." He shook his head. "Whadaya say we-"

My eye twitched a little. " Yeah… No. Let's not and say we didn't." I shook my head irritably.

He looked at me with surprise as I stepped between the blondes with a loud 'ahem'. They both immediately stopped arguing and looked at me. Arthur cleared his throat uncomfortably and turned to me.

"My apologies, Love. My name is Arthur Kirkland. May I inquire as to what you are called?" A slight blush crept across my face. What? British accents are sexy.

"A-"

"Her name's Alexis! She's my personal Lois Lane!" Alfred looked down at me, obviously proud of himself. I stuttered.

"Wh- where the hell'd you get that idea?"

"Because you let me sleep with you!" He pouted. Gilbert glared at Alfred as my eye twitched. Vodka looked disapprovingly at me.

"N-not like that! He was afraid of the ghosts!"

"Heroes aren't afraid." He scoffed. I froze and looked directly over his shoulder.

"Alfred… What the hell is that?" I yelped.

"What's what?" He panicked.

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-GHOST!"

Alfred squealed like a schoolgirl and hid behind me. I rolled my eyes.

"Right. Heroes aren't scared."

Alfred just shuddered and muttered something along the lines of 'Stupid Lois Lane' and exited the room. (We'll say he had to pee :])

Iggy shook his head.

"I'd like to apologize for him. He's-"

"An idiot? Yeah. I know." I turned on my heel and waltzed into the kitchen like I owned the place… Well, I do, but that's not the point. I decided cookies would be good at the moment.

I placed the dry ingredients in a bowl and stirred them well.

Arthur watched from the doorway.

"Would you like any h-"

"No. I want to do this by myself." I added the wet ingredients.

I molded the soft, warm dough to the shape of my liking and placed it on a tray to go into the oven. I popped a leftover scrap into my mouth after placing the baking sheet in the oven, which I conveniently closed with my foot.

About three seconds later, Vodka bounded through the kitchen with an angry Prussian tailing him. I sighed and shook my head.

"Черт возьми водки! Что ты делать?"(Dammit Vodka! What'd you do?)

Arthur flinched at the 'demon language' as I stormed off to beat my dog within an inch of his life.

**~oO0Oo~**

We ate in silence around the table before a loud German decided to break the silence.

"So! When'll it be time for me to date your sister?" My eye twitched as I chewed my last bite of burger. (That Arthur refused to touch.)

"It'll be your turn next. Don't worry." He turned around and looked Al in the eye.

"How much you wanna bet the AWESOME ME won't get punched in the face! ~KESESESESESESE"

I smacked Gilbert on the back of the head while Alfred Glared at him through his burger coma.

"At least Tony has more sense than to get eaten by Vodka!"

Time froze as the two stared each other down. I took that as my queue to leave.

I traveled up the stairs. I froze as my stomach churned. _Oh__…__Shi-__…_ Was my only thought as I raced to the bathroom. I had just enough time to lean over the porcelain bowl before my breakfast made its reappearance.

The sound of rapid footsteps could be heard from the hall. I was faintly aware of someone holding my hair back. I wiped the leftover stomach acid from my mouth as I looked at the intruder of my private moment. Blond hair and eyebrows filled my blurred vision.

"Arthur…?" I heard myself say, my voice hoarse.

"Don't speak. You'll only injure yourself." I was about to tell him I could do whatever the hell I wanted, but I was rudely interrupted by my breakfast again. Arthur rubbed small circles on my back. When I was finished with my 'moment', he went to get me a glass of water. I sagged against the wall and closed my eyes.

From under my eyelids I heard whispering from the hall.

"Not well… Leave her be… No Alfred…"

"Hero… Lois Lane… Girlfriend… Hero…"

I heard a loud smack.

"Not yours…Un-awesome boyfriend… I am… Better… Five-meters…"

Arthur came into the room and handed me a glass. After draining the contents, I rested my hand on Vodka's head. I'm not when I fell asleep, but soon enough, I began to dream.

**~oO0Oo~**

You raced through the maze frantically.

"MOM!" A yelp, then silence alarmed you.

"MAMA! PLEASE! SPEAK TO ME!" You sobbed. Every time you got close to the source of the noise, it grew farther away.

Exhausted, you collapsed to the ground. You spotted crimson on the ground. _No__… __NO!_

Tears slid down your face, mixing with the clay and blood on the ground.

The muddy mixture expanded into a pit and started sucking you farther down. Every time you struggled, the farther you were pulled. When the mix reached your chin, you screamed.

"MOM! VALLIE! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP PLEASE! I'M GOING TO…!"

I jolted awake. I shuddered, then began to cry. My quilt was tangled around me. I snuggled into it closer and let a few tears escape from my eyelids. My dog army crawled to my chest. My hands found his ears. My tears sank into his fur.

Once I had calmed down, I made my way down the stairs tentatively, not wanting a repeat of earlier that morning. I heard whispering in the kitchen and hid behind a wall.

Arthur, Alfred, and Gilbert all sat around the table. Gil and AL argued.

"No! Listen here, you un-awesome fatass! I-"

"No, you listen here! I'm the HERO, so I'M gonna be the heroic one and-"

"Both of you shut your bloody yaps! You're going to wake her up!" Arthur cleared his throat," I'll go and take care of her, while you two bicker-"

I took a hint and trudged into the kitchen. Three pairs of eyes stared at me.

" What time is it?" My voice was hoarse and my throat felt scratchy.

" Almost three, Love. You slept for quite a while." Arthur cast a sideways glance at the other two, "Say, how much of that conversation did you hear?"

I poured myself a cup of tea and added sugar and honey. I sat across from Arthur, between Alfred and Gilbert.

" Enough…" I sipped my tea. The warm liquid felt good sliding down my parched throat.

Alfred cleared his throat uncomfortably, "So, you heard us-"

"Argue? Yeah…" I said softly. My throat still hurt. I cleared my throat and decided to speak, "It's nice that you guys care about me and want to help me, but I'm used to fighting off colds and the flu by myself. This is my fight." Just then the doorbell rang.

I stood and excused myself to go open the door. Huge mistake.

" LIKE, OHMYGAWD, SISSY!" I flinched as I was tackled by my older sister.

" I, LIKE, TOATS MISSED YOU!" I shuddered at her shrill voice right in my ear.

"Yes Valerie. I'm here, considering this is _my_ house."

"Hon, you sound sick." Her voice filled with concern, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I'M MAKIN' YOU SOUP!" She squealed and pushed past me into the kitchen. She pulled out various vegetables and started combining them in the giant pot.

She then turned to Al, "I'm, like, so sorry about Erik the other night. I didn't think he would, like, go that far."

I leaned against the doorway.

"NUH-UH! YOU ARE SITTING DOWN WHILE YOUR BIG SISTER MAKES YOU SOUP! NOW!" I shrugged and sat down.

"Yes, Ma'am…" I mumbled.

The three men in the house watched this interaction with mild interest. Gilbird flew and perched on my shoulder.

A while later, Valerie sat a bowl of soup in front of me and turned to the three onlookers.

"So, like, who're you guys? I know Al already, but you two…"

Arthur and Gilbert went through self-introductions. Valerie nodded and listened intently.

When they finished, Valerie pointed to herself, "I'm Valerie Trynest! Lexi's, like, TOATS fave sis!" she exclaimed dramatically. Arthur flinched from the horrible grammar usage.

"My only sister…" I corrected her.

"Still your FAVE!" She hugged me.

When Valerie left, she handed me a bag.

"Your gonna need it soon!" She whispered to me. I waved goodbye as her cherry red convertible pulled out of the driveway.

" I'm going to bed…" I muttered as I started up the stairs, my dog close behind me.

Once in my room, I opened the bag and dumped its contents onto my bed. I blushed heavily. I threw them all back into the bag and tossed it under my bed. I snuggled into my quilt and gently drifted into a dreamless sleep.

**~oO0Oo~**

Hey guys! Thanks for sticking with me! I love you all. So, two things. A) Who's next? Ummm… 2) what was in the bag? If you guess right, you get a cookie, plus another for reviewing/ pm-ing. I also changed my name. That's right! l2c is now bAs

Remember, reviews = 3!

I love you all!

bAs


	4. Chapter 4

TO

MAKE

THIS

CHAPTER

LONGER

I

WILL

BE

AN

ASS

Nah, I'm just kidding. NEHEHEHE! I'M WINNING! CHAPTER 4! Ok, I'll turn off the caps lock =.=" Congratulations to all y'alls who got the question right! If you got the magic PM, I'm not kidding, seriously dude…I've also figured out how the line break thingy works. FEAR MAH AWESOME TECH SKILLS! Well, according to my bestie, things will go in this order after this a/n

Germany

France

Russia

If you have any more requests, I'll work it also, if you find yourself wanting a oneshot, PM me with your character's information and character you want them with. PM if you have questions. Watergoddesskasey gets a free one. Also, thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. I NO OWN HETALIA! Don't eat me, I'm winging the manual for this one. I couldn't find one for Germany.

* * *

><p>I stood glaring at the new delivery guy(s). They grinned cat-like smiles back. In front of me stood Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin. _Oh good lord, shoot me_./

" So you're-" Hikaru (Or Kaoru) started.

" Alexis Trynest?" Kaoru (Or Hikaru) finished. I fangasmed.

I stopped my eye twitch long enough to answer.

" That's me…" I answered, "So that's my new… friend?"

Twin #1 rolled the giant-ass crate into my living room, while Twin #2 handed me the contract thingy. I signed next to the 'X'.

Twin #2 looked me up and down, and then commented, "That's a nice faux pas you're wearing." He gestured to my tank top and panties.

I rolled my eyes as they walked away, hand in hand. I looked down at the manual and sighed. /_Finally… common sense/._

In front of me sat LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: A USER GUIDE AND MANUAL. I looked at ways to wake him up. I decided on the first choice, being the violent person I am.

"OI! PRUSSIA! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" I shouted to the upstairs bedrooms. A disgruntled Albino fell down the stairs.

"Was…?" I tossed him the manual and headed to the kitchen to make coffee/tea to wake a few people up, not to name names (**Cough, Cough** England **Cough **America). A few moments later, a loud crash came from the living room.

"PRUSSIA!"

"BRUDER!"

I peeked into living room and sighed.

"Gil, you're cleaning that up…" He turned to me and scoffed.

" That's a woman's job." I grinned.

" Then you'll feel right at home." I giggled at my own wit and left to check on the coffee/tea. It had done its job. At my kitchen table sat a Brit and an American. I poured myself some coffee and plopped down next to Alfred. I looked around before breaking the silence. "I'll make breakfast. How's eggs?"

Prussia stormed in with Germany in tow.

"AWESOME EGGS! NONE WITH GILBIRDS INSIDE THOUGH!" As if to punctuate Prussia's point, Gilbird chirped a happy little noise. I rolled my eyes.

"You better watch out. Vodka might decide he's delicious again." I warned. I cracked the egg into the pan.

Ludwig looked mildly uncomfortable. I turned around with a little smile.

"Hey Ludwig, you want eggs? One or two?"

He cleared his throat. "Ja, two if it isn't too much trouble."

"No prob, Bob!" I cracked a few more eggs into the pan. Al sniggered at the reference. The other three looked perplexed. "Inside joke." I mused.

The doorbell rang for the second time that morning.

"Hey Lexi! Vallie told me you were sick, so I made soup!" I froze. "Lex? You okay?" My best friend Raven looked at me funny. I whipped around.

"LUDWIG! RUN! SHE'S GONNA RAPE YOU!" I yelled to the German in my kitchen.

"Was?" He exited the kitchen. Raven gasped.

"GERMANY! IT'S REALLY YOU!" She squealed and attempted to glomp him.

"I told you. Don't say I didn't warn you." He brushed Raven off him gently. His brow furrowed as he spoke to her with a serious face. I left before I heard any part of their conversation. All I could say was, ten minutes later, Ludwig came with Raven right on his heels like some lost puppy. I rolled my eyes.

"Raven, leave the poor guy alone." I sighed.

"It's not fair! You get to live with them!" She gestured to the collection of men at the table.

"Raven, sit down. Let me make you something to eat." I said in a soothing voice.

"Fine…" She huffed as she plopped down at the table. Prussia jumped up and wrapped his arm around me.

"No need to argue, ladies! There's plenty of the AWESOME ME to go around! ~KESESESE!"

"Shut up, Prussia!" Raven and I replied in unison. I shrugged out from under his arm. I turned back to the eggs.

"One or two, Ray?"

"THREE!" She shouted, leaning back in her chair. I laughed and went back to the eggs on the stove.

* * *

><p>Raven and I sat on my couch, stroking Vodka comfortably. I explained my situation to her.<p>

"So, let me get this straight. You, our lovely protagonist, received characters from Hetalia, our backstory, from Tamaki/Hikaru/Kaoru, our not so lovely antagonists for the moment?" She paraphrased.

"Yes, and why are you talking like that?" I questioned.

"Because! I wanted to make my film teacher proud!" She stood up and placed her hands on her hips.

"OK, avoiding another tangent entirely, what do I do? I didn't this to happen! I was happy with my life before! I want to go back to the way it was!" I vented, " What did I, of all people, to make the anime gods pissed at me? I mean моей жизни было достаточно плохо, как есть, без людей баржей и в любой другой momemt в моей жизни!" I shouted angrily.

" Whoa, whoa, whoa. Care to translate?" She backed me up, forcing me to relay the message in English.

" I mean, my life is bad enough without people barging at random points of my day!" I translated. " I liked my privacy. It was nice, just Vodka and I! Where am I going to get the money for all of them? I wish that this had never happened!" I slammed my fist against the table.

" You don't like us?" Came a tearful voice from behind me. I turned to find Al in the doorway of the living room.

"Al it's not like that! I was just-" He cut me off.

"You wanna send us back? Why? I thought you liked us." He turned to face the kitchen, " I s'pose this is my fault. I was first, after all. I'm sorry I made you sad, Alex." He left the room. I turned to Ray accusingly.

"Why didn't you warn me that he was standing right there?" Before she answered, I jogged out of the room to find a roomful of eyes glaring at me. " Come on, guys. You can't think I was serious!" I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. " What I mean is, I didn't mean any of it. I was just venting." I sighed. "I'm sorry."

Iggy looked me up and down, and then stood up.

"Well, I forgive you." He pulled me into a sort of hug.

" FORGIVEN WITH AWESOMENESS!" Gilbert latched onto us.

" HEROICNESS IS BETTER THAN AWESOMENESS!" Alfred leapt onto us as a trio. I motioned for Ludwig to join. Four people hugged me at once, creating an all-new record for me.

" HOW COME I WASN'T AWARE OF THIS GROUP HUG?" Ray joined our mass of people. Then the eggs started burning.

* * *

><p>I walked briskly down the grocery store aisle, searching for the eggs. Raven was at home 'babysitting'. I sighed and went to the refrigerated section for ground beef, so as to appease the impatient American. I bought more tea and bought wurst. It may have been the cheapy American crap, but it was wurst. I decided to skip out on beer. What? I turn 18 next month!<p>

I looked around, feeling as though I was forgetting something. I turned around and hit my face to a chest. I looked up to see a familiar face.

"Watch yourself, Lex." I turned around jokingly.

"Could say the same for you, Erik." I grinned up at my sister's boyfriend, "I can't believe you're back with Vallie… you desperate or something?" He chuckled.

"Some people may actually love her."

I scoffed."Right… and I dance with a codfish on my head with the toothfairy." I shook my head, "I gotta go. Nice seein' ya." I walked to the checkout line.

* * *

><p>"HONEY! I'M HOME!" I grinned. Finally, she felt my pain!<p>

"F'nl'n'… y're h'me." Raven joked.

"I-I'm not you're wife! ~MOIMOI!" I jumped back. I grinned. We froze for a moment, then started cracking up laughing. "Seriously though. How were they?"

"Vodka and Gil are sleeping on the couch, Ludwig's upstairs in one of the guest rooms, Arthur's in the kitchen with tea, and Al insisted on being in your room." I rolled my eyes.

"Take the groceries. I have an American to kick." I stomped upstairs and into my room. My eyes fell on Al's sleeping form. He turned to me with half-lidded eyes and a stupid grin.

"You couldn't stay away from me, huh?" I rolled my eyes.

" No, I came up here to tell you to get your ass out of bed and make those miocardiolinfarctions on a bun." He looked at me with confusion. "It means heart attack, now move." I poked him with my foot. He grumbled and sat up.

"Hey Alex…?"

"What, Al?"

"Can you come here a minute?" I rolled my eyes and sat next to him on the bed.

"Yes? What is it- " I froze as a pair of lips covered my own. Al pulled back and left the room. I just sat, staring at the bag that had somehow unearthed itself from under my bed. The blush returned to my face as I saw a familiar wrapper peeking out. Then I realized something. THAT WAS MY-

I stomped downstairs to find Al and Arthur chatting contentedly in front of the stove. Al turned around and his face turned red. He faced the stove while Arthur tried giving Al cooking tips. He was being ignored.

I laid into him.

"YOU! WHY YOU LITTLE! THAT WAS MY FIRST-! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Arthur looked surprised and looked between us.

"I thought you liked me too…"

"I do! BUT NOT LIKE THAT!" Al looked away, embarrassed.

" I'm sorry I made you mad again, Alex. I have to stop doing that." I shook my head.

"At least ask me before you do anything like that again, okay?" Arthur looked lost in the conversation. He then used his inner France to make an assumption

"So you… And Alfred… Did…THAT?" I turned to him, my inner pervert's mind worked to figure out what he was implying. I got it.

"Oh GOD no! NOT LIKE THAT!" I shuddered. A familiar laugh came from behind me. "Shut up Ray!"

She busted up laughing. "Haha! Al kissed you!"

I blushed. " You're not funny!" She made a sympathetic noise in the back of her throat.

"Come here, sweetie. Everyone's first kiss is a _little_ awkward." I walked up to her as she put her arm around me. We curled up on the couch and watched High School Of The Dead, laughing when the zombies died.

* * *

><p>I waved to Ray as she shut her car door and left. I turned around to face the now four guys in my living room.<p>

"At least I have the voice of reason." I gestured in Ludwig's direction.

"Hey!" An indignant Arthur yelled, " I'm standing right here!"

I rolled my eyes and wandered upstairs to take a shower. Vodka stayed on the couch like a good boy.

I stripped my clothes and stepped into the shower, shedding the stress and worries of the day. I moaned in content. I turned the knob of the shower and pulled back the curtain.

"GILBERT! YOU PERVERT! GET OUT YOU SONOFABITCH!" I wrapped myself in a towel and chased the laughing Prussian downstairs. When we reached the rarely used dining room, Gilbert hid behind the eating Ludwig, who promptly choked.

"Ludwig! Do you know what he just did?"

"Do I wish to know?"

"You may after I kill him!" I lunged at Gilbert, forgetting about the towel. It slid down to my ankles. I paled, " Let's forget about this." I mumbled before snatching up the towel and sprinting out of the room. The coarse, white cloth whipped around my body. I slammed the door to my room and put my panties and tank top on.

I curled up in my bed, under the hefty quilt and fell fast asleep.

* * *

><p>Oh fun… Gil you perv… ANYWAYS! PM me for a oneshot!<p>

Love y'alls!

bAs


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five… NO MOTIVATION! Okay… I'll try… So happy Finals are over. I wore my PJs to school, and it felt good. I'm too lazy to put in translations anymore, so use google translate. ANYWAYS~ Read!

* * *

><p>I stumbled downstairs at the sound of quiet chatter at the door. I rounded the corner to find Ludwig chatting up a look-alike of Haruhi. <em>Seriously… Why is it only Ouran?<em>

"Oh, Alexis. You're up." Ludwig spoke softly, "Would you mind signing? I'm not allowed to." I raised an eyebrow and signed as Ludwig wheeled the giant crate inside. I waved to the Haruhi as she wandered down the walkway. I turned to the manual and promptly threw it across the room. On the cover was FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: A USER GUIDE AND MANUAL. I shuddered.

"Don't open it. I like my virginity." I mumbled to Ludwig. I left to the kitchen and grabbed the ingredients for pancakes. I drizzled the batter in the pan and the heavenly scent reached my nose. I sighed in content. From behind me, a loud crack indicated madness. I flinched and prayed for it not to be true. I felt a pair of arms encircle me and the smell of pancakes was replaced by fancy cologne. I froze.

"Ohonhonhonhon~ Pancakes… They smell delectable…" A pair of lips came dangerously close to my ear. I shuddered.

"Bugger off, Frog." A loud Brit said from behind us. French Fry turned around to face Eyebrow Man.

"Oh? But Angleterre… I was simply thanking her for making such a delicious dish." His eyes flashed to me. "Besides, she would like it, non?"

I grabbed a frying pan and held it defensively in front of me. "Fat chance, French Fry." I meant it to sound mighty, but it came out as a hoarse whisper.

Arthur looked at me sympathetically. "Are you alright, Alexis?" Worry filled his voice. I trembled a little. A loud Prussian stomped into the kitchen with a grin on his face.

"FINALLY! A CANADA TO SHARE MY AWESOMENESS WIT- Oh… 'Sup Francis?" He smiled. "I see you've met MEIN AWESOME FRAU!" I raised the pan to him threateningly.

"First Al, now YOU?" I yelped. " I AM NO ONE'S GIRLFRIEND!"

"Well, I saw you naked last night…" He grinned, proud of himself.

"I WAS IN THE SHOWER, PERV!" I shouted in disbelief.

"Mattie?" Al stumbled downstairs. "Is that…?" He trailed off as his eyes met Francis'. "You okay, Alex?"

I nodded once in answer.

"Leave Alex alone, France!" Al rumbled. I looked at him in surprise. He was acting really… Protective all of a sudden.

I snuck out of the room with the crowd of Hetalia characters arguing behind me. I sat next to Ludwig on the couch and was momentarily followed by my dog. I curled into a ball and Vodka placed his head in my lap. I stroked him gently and waited for the mini world war in the kitchen to die down.

"You may wanna go diffuse that." I turned to Ludwig.

"Ja…" He sighed, "That might be a good idea." He stood up and prepared himself to face the horrors of the kitchen war. He stormed into the kitchen, followed by loud crashes and bangs. Three minutes later, Al sprinted out of the kitchen into my lap, scaring the dog.

"Alex! Help! The scary German guy's gonna eat me!" Al clung to me.

"It's okay Al…" I sighed and patted his head, "He's not going to eat you… Maybe just boil you and feed you to Vodka…"

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!" He howled.

"I was kidding…" I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, how very touching!" French Fry appeared behind us, "But, ma chere… I can give you even more affection!" He attempted to leap on me, but got bit on the ankle by Vodka. I sniggered.

"Так тебе и надо, французский Фрай. Хороший мальчик, водки! Серьезно, то вы должны получить, что очищены, пока он не заражен!" I laughed.

Francis looked at me and shuddered. "Ma chere… You speak Russian…" He looked about to cry. "I'm sorry about those rude advances!" He cried out.

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not Russia, if that's what your implying, and don't ever do that again." I shook my head. I gestured to his bleeding ankle. "You may want to clean that up. It might get infected." I crossed my arms and looked up at him.

"Oui~ that sounds marvelous idea." He smiled lecherously, "But of course, I will need an attending nurse." He winked and pulled a rose out of seemingly nowhere.

"Yeah, no. Keep movin', bucko." I turned to Ludwig. "You mind helping me out in the kitchen?" He nodded. "And Arthur, you baby-sit." He saluted.

Alfred and Gilbert looked at me simultaneously. "What do we do?"

"Listen to what Arthur says…" I looked around and whispered, "If he tells you to eat his cooking, come find me. I'll make you something."

"MY COOKING ISN'T THAT BAD!" A snort came from the bathroom.

"Apparently, ignorance _is_ bliss."

"AND…BREAK!" I shouted, sending us all off to our various chores.

* * *

><p>I wiped the sweat off of my forehead from cleaning the kitchen in record time. Ludwig stood beside me stoically. Arthur sat sipping his tea on the couch with Francis creeping up behind him. Alfred and Gilbert sat in separate corners facing the wall.<p>

"What happened?" I asked Arthur.

"They got into a fight and I broke them up and I SEE YOU BACK THERE FRANCIS!" He smiled and sipped his tea, "Is the kitchen cleaned?" He smiled pleasantly as Francis scuttled off to a dark corner. I looked at Francis for a moment.

I sat at my computer and thought for a moment. I went to Microsoft Word and typed two large words and a bunch of smaller words below it, before hitting the print button. I stood by the printer. I placed a piece of tape on the top of the paper, before placing it in a corner of the living room. The paper read:

PERVERT'S CORNER

If Gilbert and/or Francis and/or any other men in the Trynest household have the desire to see Alexis/Raven/Valerie/Arthur/any other occupying member of the household in a compromising position, they shall be banished to this corner of the house for a period of time ranging between 12-24 hours, depending on the mood of the implied victim of said compromising position. The offender will be shunned for said period of time, and will be fed Arthur's cooking for said period of time. The only exception to the food rule is if Arthur breaks these rules. He will then be subjected to Alfred's cooking for the allotted time period. These rules will be in action AT ALL TIMES, NO EXCEPTIONS!

The signatures of the aforementioned members of the Trynest household below means that all of the members of said household agree to these terms and conditions.

* * *

><p>"If anyone has any questions, I'll be upstairs." I patted my upper thigh, beckoning my dog to follow me. Vodka and I trudged upstairs and into my room. I plopped down at me desk and opened my laptop. I did something I should've done days ago. I searched the relevance of the company. I typed Flying Mint Bunny into the google search bar and hit search. To my displeasure, the only results were fanart and youtube videos. I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes. Just when I felt the arms of sleep encircling me, my door swung open and hit the wall. I leaned my head just enough to see a disgruntled Al.<p>

"What…?"

"Are you really gonna make us eat Iggy food?"

"Only if you're bad." I smirked. I stood and moved to my bed, where the dog rolled over on his stomach, wanting to be scratched. I happily obliged.

Alfred fidgeted uncomfortably in the doorway, before sitting next to me. "Hey Alex… I-" He trailed off while looking over my shoulder.

"What? You what?" I was honestly perplexed until I realized what he was looking at. I had forgot to close my computer and now Alfred was looking at the date.

"It's… December 20…"

"And?" He looked at me like I had nuked a kitten.

"WHERE ARE THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?"

"I guess I'm not much of a Christmas person…" I shrugged.

"HOW COULD-" I placed my hand over his mouth, muffling the rest of his sentence.

"look, if you want Christmas decorations, you're going to have to pay for them yourself." I looked into his eyes sternly. He gave me a kicked puppy look before stomping out of room, slamming the door leaving Vodka and I alone. I sighed and made my way to the window. I looked out at the snow falling softly against the pale Canadian moon. My dog moved to sit beside me on the window seat. He rested his large head in my lap. I patted his head and leaned against the wall.

Large (and not to mention hairy) arms wrapped around me from behind, and I yelped in surprise. Vodka thought it was a yelp of pain and barked at the offensive Frenchman. Vodka latched his jaw onto Francis' arm.

Francis yelled and let go. Grumbling at my dog, He left my room to go clean it. I giggled lightly and patted Vodka's head. I looked at the clock. 4:00 shone back at me. I wasn't sure when, but I fell asleep.

* * *

><p><em>You and Valerie giggled in the backseat of your mother's car, hiding. You had been playing hide and see, when Daddy came home. Mommy had looked at you and told you to hide really, really good, so you did. Daddy stumbled out of the house, looking like he was tired. His eyes were red and dull, and his cheeks were pink.<em>

"_You haven't seen the last of me, you whore!" He yelled inside to Mommy. You tilted your head to the side, wondering what that word meant. He stomped to his car and drove away, knocking over the trashcans and the neighbor's mailbox. Mommy walked down the driveway, and stopped next to the car. Mommy got into the car and started it up. She turned around to face you and your sister._

"_Found you…" She said sadly and backed of the driveway. Valerie buckled you, then herself._

"_Mommy! I'm hungry!" Valerie whined in the seat next to you._

"_Be nice, Vallie! Mommy's trying as hard as she can!" You scolded your big sister. Your mother turned around to face you. Lilac eyes met violet ones. Your mother was always beautiful. Well, at least in your eyes. Suddenly, a shout arose from the seat next to you._

"_MOM, LOOK OUT!"  
><em>

* * *

><p>My eyes flickered open and immediately filled with tears. I had almost forgotten that it was all my dad's fault. I sobbed on the floor from where I had fallen. Vodka army crawled to me as I cried. My tears soaked into his soft fur. A pair of arms wrapped around me and a voice floated to my ears.<p>

"What's wrong, ma cher? Tell big brother Francis." He whispered into my hair. I tried to stop crying, but it only resulted in me crying sobbing harder. I cried as I let it all out. I hadn't spoken to anyone about my mom's… passing… and how violent it was. Hoe there was so much blood and suffering and _waiting. _So much damn waiting. I trembled slightly as I regaled how it was my dad's fault. If he hadn't come home drunk, Mom wouldn't have gone for a drive. If Mom hadn't taken a drive, she wouldn't have run that stupid red light. _Mom would still be alive._ My sobs eased to soft shuddering. Francis left and I looked at the clock. It read 6:00. My stomach grumbled as I trudged downstairs to meet the wrath of five overly sympathetic men.

I sat down at the table to find said men chatting amongst themselves. Francis pushed a plate in front of me and gave me a look. I scoffed and pulled to plate closer.

"That's just sexist."

"Qui?"

"Giving a woman food when she cries. It's sexist." I muttered and moved to pick up my fork.

"Okay then." He smirked and started to pull the plate away from me. I made an animalistic noise in my throat and pulled it back.

"I said it was sexist. Not that I didn't want it." I shoveled the food down my throat faster than Gilbert could say 'The fuck?' I cleared my throat and pushed my plate away and sighed.

"OH! ALEX!"

"What, Al?" I looked to the over enthusiastic male.

"I GOT A JOB SO WE CAN CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS! AND A TREE! AND LIGHTS! AND…" The idiot rambled on and on about various decorations we could buy, while I pondered how the _hell_ he managed to get a job in two hours. I stopped his rambling with a question.

"What _is_ your job?"

"I'M THE HERO OF COURSE!"

"No, I mean what are you doing for _MONEY_?" I enunciated the last word heavily.

"Oh… I'm a COP!"

"The correct term is the police, Wanker, and it's not just you." Alfred just laughed him off while Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Hmmm… so now you three need jobs…" I motioned to Francis, Ludwig, and Gilbert. Ludwig and Francis nodded, while Gilbert looked at me as though as I had kicked the puppy I nuked.

" I'M TOO AWESOME FOR A JOB!"

" Hm, I think not." I looked at Gilbert. "If you want beer, you're going to have to get it yourself. I can't get it for you. Here in Canada, we have laws against that sort of thing." I sipped my water, "Anyways, we need to buy food today. That means going to the store, and I'm taking you all with me. You need more clothes than your military outfits." Alfred cheered while the others nodded in agreement.

"Are we going to the MALL?" Alfred shouted in excitement.

"Yes, but we'll have to go tomorrow. It's too late tonight." I took another sip of my water, "Who's up for horror movie night?" Alfred cheered and Gilbert agreed. Arthur and Ludwig shook their heads and Francis mumbled a perverted joke or another. I shooed him off to the pervert's corner (Which I moved to the basement. The living room proved too distracting).

I popped _The Birds_ by Alfred Hitchcock into the DVD player. An hour and a half later, Alfred was shaking, but Gilbert wasn't fazed. I decided to bring out the big guns. The only German movie I owned. _Dead Snow_. We watched as Nazi Zombies were decapitated, burned, and disemboweled. I laughed and the other two hid their eyes. The movie ended with its cliffhanger. By that time, we were all asleep, and by no means prepared for the next day.

* * *

><p>OKAY! Kind of a cliffhanger. I promise to have a Christmas special! Sorry if the end seemed kind of rushed.<p>

LOVE YA!

bAs


	6. Chapter 6

OKAY CHAPTER 6! Aren't you so proud of me! This is like a new record for me! Okay, READ ~

* * *

><p>I woke up from my place between Alfred and Gilbert. Al snored lightly on my shoulder, and Gilbert shifted lightly in my lap, his nose in my stomach. I briefly wondered what had woken me up, but then the doorbell rang for the sixth time this week. I thanked god that it was winter break.<p>

"Stupid… cost me sleep." I cursed the doorbell as it rang again. I got up, waking Gil and Al. I opened the door and habitually looked up. I was about to close the door until I happened to look down. Bright, blue eyes smiled back.

"HIYA! You're pretty! Can you sign please?" I cursed in my head at Hunny's cuteness. I feigned enthusiasm and signed the paper. He attempted to push the crate inside until I stopped him. He smiled and waved sporadically until he started down the snow-covered walk. I spotted the van and saw an extremely tall figure with black hair inside. I shook my head while Al pushed inside. I looked at the manual that Hunny had given me. My jaw dropped.

"You both need to hide, now!" I whispered urgently. Alfred hid behind the couch and Gilbert hesitantly followed suit. I opened the manual and instantly picked my favorite method. "Big Brother…" I scratched the crate side, " Big Brother… Come out and play with me, Big brother." I panicked when I got no response and grabbed a crowbar. I pried open the crate and what awaited me was utterly unexpected.

I opened the crate to find a sleeping toddler in a red army overcoat.

"Aww…" I whispered and petted baby Ivan's head. Large, purple eyes flickered slightly, and then opened. He tilted his head to the side.

"Are you Mother Russia?" He asked looking up at me hopefully. I quickly contemplated having a baby psychopath in my house. I picked him out of the evil crate and snuggled him.

"Not necessarily, but you can call me that."

"When I get big, I want all my friends to be like you!" He giggled and snuggled closer into my neck.

"Why him and not me?" Gilbert scoffed, "I'm more awesome, anyways." I shot him a glare that had the ability to maim anyone. I sat Ivan down at the kitchen table and moved to make pancakes.

"Оставайся там, Ваня".

"Да, матушка-Россия". Was his answer.

I poured the batter into the pan and added chocolate chips.

" ALEX HAS PANCAKES HOLY CRAP!" Alfred shouted from the next room.

" You worship your crap? That's pretty weird…" I answered. I turned to Ivan who listened to our conversation contentedly, "Don't say crap… some people in this house think that children shouldn't say it. If anything, say it in our language."

"Да, матушка-Россия".

Alfred twitched at the sound of Russian.

"You know, if you want to figure out what we're saying, I could teach you Russian."

"NO! I don't want my mind to be tainted with the demon language!" Ivan's eyes swam with tears at this comment. I hugged him and muttered words of reassurance. He nuzzled into my shoulder. I finished the pancakes with one hand, Ivan cuddled with the other.

"We're going to the mall later on. Remember that." I told Alfred. He ran upstairs to notify the others of pancakes and the mall.

* * *

><p>"Mother Russia? This place is <em>weird<em>…" He warily eyed the laughing teens at the food court. Alfred laughed and sprinted to Game Crazy. I hummed the music from Peter and The Wolf. Ivan tilted his head to the side and listened.

When we got to the clothing store, I shooed Francis, Ludwig, Arthur, and Gilbert to the men's section. I told Arthur to shop for Alfred. Ivan and I went to the boy's section. Ivan pointed out the various clothing he liked. I took it off the racks and put is into the cart. I let go of his hand for a moment to look at a graphic tee. When I turned back around, Ivan had disappeared. I looked for him in a panic.

I passed Francis flirting with a cashier lady. I grabbed him by the ear and pulled him away.

"I lost Ivan…"

"Qui? How did you lose him?"

"I-I don't know…" I panicked, "You need to help me find him."

"What's in it for me?"

"I…" I thought for a moment. I tried to think like him for a moment. I sighed, "I'll show you my boobs when we get home."

"Let's find Petit La Russie." He snorted lecherously. I felt ashamed of my deal with the Devil.

"We should split up. We'll cover more ground that way." I went left and he went right. I passed the Christmas tree display. A small child with pale blonde hair and wonder in his eyes looked up at the enormous trees. "I found you!" I sighed, relieved.

"I was here the whole time!" He giggled.

"Don't _ever _do that again, Vanya!" I scolded him softly. "Вы меня напугал!"

He apologized in the _mother language_ (Just kidding. I'm not _that _creepy) and we left to find the man I promised a show. We found him again, flirting with the _same frickin' cashier_. Ivan and I looked at each other and got the best idea ever. Ivan ran up to Francis and tugged his pant leg.

"_Papa_! We were looking for you!" Ivan hugged his leg.

"We really were looking for you, _Honey_." I enunciated the last word and turned to the cashier lady. "And who would _you_ be?" I asked, my tone laced with venom.

"I-I was just… um … ringing him up!" She stuttered. I looked at her disapprovingly.

"Wrong. He has no items." I grabbed Francis' arm and dragged him away. Once out of earshot, Ivan and I busted up laughing.

"What was that for?" He shouted at me.

"I-it was necessary." I wiped the tears from my eyes. "And besides. You really weren't helping me. NO BOOBS FOR YOU!" I giggled. We caught up with Gilbert, Ludwig, and Arthur. I bought the items and ushered them in the direction of the food court. Once I collected Alfred from Game Crazy, I decide to play my own personal drug. _Guitar Hero._

After playing a song… or two… (Or ten…) I went to the food court, only to find Gilbert and Francis gone.

"Where'd they go?" I asked Ludwig.

"Some place called _Spencer's_." I shuddered and he looked at me funny. I looked around. _Wait a minute…_

"Where's Ivan?"

"I think he went with them." I froze. I sprinted to Spencer's. I spotted Ivan in the _front_ of the store, thank god. I picked him up and stormed out of the store.

"Remind me to hurt them the next time I see them." Ivan nodded and giggled. I carried him back to the food court.

" ***Munch munch*** Hero * **munch munch*** Iggy!" Alfred shouted at Arthur, spewing crumbs in his face.

"Of course, wanker." Arthur rolled his eyes.

Gilbert and Francis came back from Spencer's laughing. Ivan tugged on the sleeve of my sweater.

"Remember? You said you were going to hurt them." He whispered, smiling.

I stood up unsmiling and stomped towards them.

"What the _HELL_ were you _THINKING?_" I shouted at the offending men.

"What?" Gilbert asked innocently… If you can picture that.

"You know what!" I growled. They both shrugged. I grumbled as I ate the food that Arthur bought me. Yes, bought me (Thank god…).

* * *

><p>When we got home, I decided to make cookies. I gave Ivan a small piece of cookie dough, which he quickly accepted (What child doesn't?). The door flew open and Alfred carted a tree taller than himself into the house. My jaw dropped.<p>

"DID YOUR HERO DELIVER, OR DID HE DELIVER?" He shouted with a _little _too much enthusiasm. I facepalmed.

"What d'yeh think yer doin'?" I imitated my best Scottish accent. Arthur skidded into the kitchen, ready to defend himself. I rolled my eyes. "You're fine, Eyebrows." I sighed, my voice back to normal. "Where'd you get it, eh?" I asked, my voice slipping accidentally back to its original Canadian accent.

Alfred laughed at my slip. "That's awesome, dudette! I got it from the totally slammin' farm down the street!" He shouted, "And I carried it home, 'cuz… I'M THE HERO!" He struck a heroic pose and waited for my approval. I just shook my head and turned back to the cookies in the oven. The other two males sniggered and returned to their respective knitting/coloring (Arthur coloring and Ivan knitting, if you were wondering).

Alfred snuck up behind me to watch me make _another_ batch of cookies. I ignored him for the most part. I popped a piece of the chocolate chip cookie dough in my mouth. Alfred looked at me pleadingly and I gave him the cookie dough.

"Where are your decorations?" He looked at me hopefully. I rolled my eyes.

"In the attic." I turned to look completely at Al, "Good luck with the ghosts up there…" I mused.

He jumped and looked around himself, paranoid.

"H-hey Alex?" He stuttered.

"What?" I sighed, annoyed.

"Will you let me sleep with you tonight?" I glared at him menacingly.

"No."

"BUT-"

"No."

He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. Our argument lasted for about ten minutes, by which time Ivan was giggling madly. Ivan stopped for a moment.

"Mother Russia… Where will I sleep?" Ivan tilted his head slightly.

"Well…" I thought for a moment, "The room upstairs is open, considering Alfred is adamant about not sleeping there. You can use that room." I sighed gently.

He grinned and cheered. Alfred frowned.

"How come you're giving _my_ room?"

"Because you hardly use it! You're always afraid of the ghosts!" I replied sternly. He stuck his tongue out at me childishly and stormed away. I turned to Ivan.

"How about I show you your room? I'll get Ludwig to get them out when they're ready." I gestured to the oven. I informed Ludwig of my plans and carried Ivan upstairs. I sat him down at the top and he followed closely behind me.

I opened the small oak door to the room. His eyes widened at the sight.

Now, before I tell you anything else, I need to tell you _why_ I don't sleep in this room to this day. It was YELLOW. My sister thought it would be funny if she made at least one of my rooms cheery. Not only is it YELLOW, it has flowers painted all over it. Not just any flowers of course. _Sun_flowers. She must have just been in a yellow mood… Anyways, I was too lazy to paint over it, so here it sits, mostly untouched. Ah, the irony…

Let me give you the gist of what happened. Ivan span around in circles, before collapsing and laughing. I stood on the sidelines, laughing along with him. He fell asleep on the floor. I tucked him in his new (also YELLOW) bed. I shut off the lights before quickly and quietly downstairs.

"HEY! HEY ALEX!" Alfred shouted, a little _too_ loud. I shushed him and he told me to follow him outside. Outside was my own personal hell.

To make a long story short, Chris- oops… I mean _X-mas_ threw up in our front yard. Not only were there lights on the house, but in the street, yard and –aw, hell- the _car._ I turned to him with metaphorical smoke pouring out of my ears.

"When the season is over, you –I mean it- _you_ are taking _all_ this crap down." I growled. He laughed me off and ran inside to inform the other housemates of the horr- I mean _wonders_ in the front lawn.

I went immediately to the kitchen to find the cookies carefully laid out on a serving dish. I stuffed one into my mouth and made a mug of hot cocoa. I curled up on the couch, immediately followed by Vodka. I turned on the movie that had been played last, thinking it was Dead Snow. Following the pop of the TV turning on, loud, female moans proceeded from the speakers. I muted the offensive program before turning it completely off. I just sat there for a moment, scarred for life. I placed the cocoa on the end table before leaping off the couch.

"I'll kill those…" I growled, Vodka growled along with me. Searching all over the house, we found a poker game being run out of the basement.

"So, I turned on the DVD player today…" I said nonchalantly, "and you know what was in it?"

"What?" Gilbert asked. "I bet it was AWESOME!"

"No! I found lesbian porn! Do you know how _scarring _that was for me? Mentally and emotionally. There is a _child_ in the house, and I expect at the very least you all to behave responsibly!" I snapped. I spotted Arthur sneaking out of the room. "Oh no you don't!" I snagged his shirt collar. "I also blame you, if not for participating, then I blame you for letting it happen! I wouldn't doubt it if you instigated the whole thing!" I yelled, a foot from Arthur's face. He twitched for a moment, before getting a twisted grin. "What? What just happened?"

"NON! MON PETIT LAPIN!"

"No way, Alex! Iggy's gone nuts!"

"The un-awesome English guy's gone insane! KESESESESE!"

Before I could make a sarcastic remark or witty rebuttal, I was hurled up and over a shoulder. I was carried upstairs, to the room across from the one that Ivan was currently in._ I made him be a pirate… heh…_ I was thrown on the ground and as my head connected with the floor, I saw Arthur looking concernedly down at me.

* * *

><p>I rolled over and my face hit something soft and hard at the same time. I wondered how the hell that was possible until I groggily looked up and saw a chin. And glasses… I blew a piece of my bangs out of my face before removing Alfred's glasses from his face. I laid them on the bedside table. Carefully, so as not to wake Alfred up, I squirmed out of bed. I plodded gently downstairs to find the rest of the guys grilling Arthur.<p>

"What were you thinking, mon ami?"

"Well, she yelled in my face, you know I can't control _him_ when-"

"How could you injure mein AWSOME frau?"

"She's told you, Bruder. She isn't yours."

"THE HELL SHE'S NOT!" Gilbert shouted at Ludwig's point. Gilbert stormed out of the kitchen. Once his eyes met mine, his face turned the most… um… un-awesome… shade of red. He stomped upstairs, until I heard a loud yelp of 'Mother Russia!' I sprinted upstairs to Ivan's room to find him being dangled by one leg by an amused albino. I grabbed Ivan and held him. I ordered Gilbert out of his room, I instantly felt like an older sister… or a mom… blegh… Ivan cried into me while I made little hushing noises. He sniveled and wiped his eyes on my tee shirt.

I carried him downstairs into the kitchen and gave the kid a cookie. He nibbled the cookie carefully, then shoved the thing in his mouth. He munched happily, and I thought that it might be nice having a little family like this. But then again, we still have Christmas.

* * *

><p>I know, I know… Usually my chapters get longer and longer, but I genuinely ran out of ideas. Sorry! Review with ideas for Christmas, cause I'm sorta drawing a blank here =~=". If you haven't heard of Spencer's, DO NOT LOOK IT UP! You little sixth graders and younger, you know it's past your bed time. I repeat DO NOT LOOK IT UP! If you already know what Spencer's is, you poor, poor things.<p>

LOVE YA!

bAs


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